Not many people know that I’ve started attending church.
Sure, if someone directly asked me ‘Eva, do you go to church’, I wouldn’t deny it, but let’s just say that I don’t go out of my way to draw attention to the fact.
My initial rationale for finding a church was this; some people put off joining a gym for years, because they don’t want to go while they are out of shape. Consequently, they never lose weight.
So, if I don’t go to church until I start believing in God, then it may never happen.
Ergo, go to Church.
So I did. And I do.
But it’s becoming a bit of habit. I keep going back. I could even go as far as to say that I enjoy it. It’s not the actual highlight of my week, but I don’t dread it, as such.
Which is a win, as far as I’m concerned.
Maybe if I’d just gone one or twice, I’d feel more comfortable owning it. I’d say yes, I tried it, but it didn’t really work for me. I could laugh wryly, or do something equally cool and dismissive.
But I’m starting to feel a bit silly, given that I still haven’t quite cracked the whole faith thing. I just don’t want to represent myself as something that I’m not.
Which is a bit of a shame, given that I’m doing it to both my friends and family and the people of the congregation.
The people at church are lovely. Very nice and accepting, and I assume that they think that I’m a Christian.
Which wouldn’t be that much of a mental jump to make, given that I keep going to church.
But now I feel emotionally dishonest, as if I’m presenting myself as something that I’m not.
(There’s also the fact that my extended family would be far happier if I came out as a lesbian that if I came out as a Christian. Which means that they are accepting and non judgemental and left wing, which I like. They’re just not accepting and non-judgemental of people who profess to be Christians. It’s complex)
Or, I guess it’s just possible that no-one actually cares about this at all, and I should just get the hell out of my own head and go and help a homeless person…