Why I don’t tell people that I go to church.

 

This is not my church.

 

Not many people know that I’ve started attending church.

Sure, if someone directly asked me ‘Eva, do you go to church’, I wouldn’t deny it, but let’s just say that I don’t go out of my way to draw attention to the fact.

My initial rationale for finding a church was this; some people put off joining a gym for years, because they don’t want to go while they are out of shape. Consequently, they never lose weight.

So, if I don’t go to church until I start believing in God, then it may never happen.

Ergo, go to Church.

So I did. And I do.

But it’s becoming a bit of habit. I keep going back. I could even go as far as to say that I enjoy it. It’s not the actual highlight of my week, but I don’t dread it, as such.

Which is a win, as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe if I’d just gone one or twice, I’d feel more comfortable owning it. I’d say yes, I tried it, but it didn’t really work for me. I could laugh wryly, or do something equally cool and dismissive.

But I’m starting to feel a bit silly, given that I still haven’t quite cracked the whole faith thing. I just don’t want to represent myself as something that I’m not.

Which is a bit of a shame, given that I’m doing it to both my friends and family and the people of the congregation.

The people at church are lovely. Very nice and accepting, and I assume that they think that I’m a Christian.

Which wouldn’t be that much of a mental jump to make, given that I keep going to church.

But now I feel emotionally dishonest, as if I’m presenting myself as something that I’m not.

(There’s also the fact that my extended family would be far happier if I came out as a lesbian that if I came out as a Christian. Which means that they are accepting and non judgemental and left wing, which I like. They’re just not accepting and non-judgemental of people who profess to be Christians. It’s complex)

Or, I guess it’s just possible that no-one actually cares about this at all, and I should just get the hell out of my own head and go and help a homeless person…

6 thoughts on “Why I don’t tell people that I go to church.

  1. Love the last line. That’s pretty much what we church folks should do: get out of church every once in a while and help a homeless person. a little Micah 6:8–what God requires: walk humbly, act justly.

  2. I know a little of how you feel. I was a proud atheist for many years and then to my shock and horror I had an experience of God. I became an instant Christian but was so embarrassed by it that I didn’t tell anyone for 2 years- not even my husband. I certainly didn’t go to church. I just had a secret Bible and read a little everyday and prayed.when no one was around.

    I ended up, many years later and after much agonising, in the Catholic Church, which like you, I would have said was the last place I’d have expected to be. Happy searching.

  3. It’s kind of you to say you’d like to hear my story but it is so prolonged and so complex with so many false starts that you’d probably give up after the first couple of pages. Also, one person’s road to God is often a very individual journey and doesn’t mean much to anyone else. For example, you go to church hoping to find faith there. I had tons of faith but put off going to church until I could resist the inner urging no longer.
    I hope your journey ends in joy. I’ll be watchng (and praying) with interest.

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