When I first started to feel a real craving to experience the presence of God in my life, I met an absolute dead end.
When I tried to imagine that the concept of ‘God’ it was as if I came up against a brick wall. No, that’s not it exactly. Maybe a steel box around my heart is a better analogy.
My ideas and dreams about the possible existence of God felt as if they had absolutely nowhere to go. They could never grow and could never develop.
It was an awful, aborted feeling.
Even though I was skeptical, and had spent a lifetime thinking of all the reasons as to why God could not exist, I genuinely wanted to pursue the idea. But I couldn’t.
Any emotions that I tried to muster into the direction of believe were immediately extinguished. Imagine a lit tealight candle. It begins as an ember of a glow, and then immediately a wooden bowl is up-ended on it and it’s light is snuffed out. That’s what I felt.
I felt that I was totally cut off from, not just God, but even from the contemplation of the possibility of the existence of God.
But over the last year I’ve realised that I no longer feel that blockage. I don’t know when, or where it went, but it’s gone.
And for now, I’m content that that is all that I’m able to say.
I know that very soon, the happiness at merely the lack of something will not be enough for me, and I will want the space to be filled with something; by the feeling of God’s presence, or by the feeling of oneness of the universe, or the feeling of some sort of ultimate meaning (becasue I’m never content, you know)
But at the moment, I’m relieved to feel that the road is, at least, open to me.