The epiphany that I had last week has created a whole new mindset for me. The spontaneous evaporation of the constant burden of ‘finding proof’ has mean that not only can my mind relax and just ‘be’ for a while, but also that I don’t have the fear of having to explain myself to people. I have this worry that if I come out of the closet as a religious person, people will instantly bail me up and demand that I explain my rationale; which ultimately both they, and I, will find lacking.
Now, though, I don’t worry about that. It’s just no longer part of the equation.
I can see now why most of the books on apologetics that I have read just haven’t rung true. Some of them have been too vague (yes, C.S.Lewis, I’m talking to you) and some just wildly and insultingly innacurate (irreducable complexity does have a fairly simple expanation, but you wouldn’t know that, given the way that it’s used as irrefutable proof of creation). Essentially, apologetics is trying to prove the unprovable; which is what I’ve been so concerned about, but they are going about it in a more Christian-approved, legitimate way.
I’m sure that we all collect bits and pieces that are going to help us bolster out own personal arsenal of faith; at the moment, the ( later) work of Anthony Flew and writings by Francis Collins are ringing true for me. The faith journeys that we take are so personal that a one-size-fits-all approach would be inappropriate and ineffective.
So, I feel more freedom now to dip in and out when I feel the urge, but I don’t feel the driving imperative to discover the undiscoverable any more. I can listen to my heart more, and let my head read Dostoyevsky (or watch the Rachel Zoe Project).