I’ve been a bit too serious here lately and I don’t like it. This post is basically a conduit for GIFs. As is the entire Internet, I guess.
I know blogs.
I do. I love and adore and know blogs. I know when I’m being manipulated by feel good graphics and inspirational posts and SUBSCRIBE HERE pop ups and I don’t even care, that’s how much I love them.
Despite this deep and abiding passion, I’ve managed to create a quite unsuccessful blog. Hang on, that sounded a bit down. ‘My blog isn’t very widely read’ probably sounds less whiny. But that’s just fine with me. This was never intended to be a ‘Blog’ kind of blog and I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure if I had more than a handful of readers, but just to make myself feel better about the hypothetical failure that I don’t care about, I’d like to point out all the mistakes that I’ve made. Aspirational bloggers, take note- do the exact opposite of what I’ve done and you’ll be tremendously successful.
I post too sporadically. Not in a ‘Let’s check back twice a week to see if there’s a post, what a fun surprise!’ kind of way, but more in a ‘She hasn’t posted for three months, could she be dead?’ way.
I don’t network. At least I’m consistent online and in real life I guess. You’re supposed to leave comments on other blogs in your niche to drive traffic to your site. Firstly, I don’t. It is embarrassingly obvious when a comment is left just to drive traffic. Also, I have no niche. See next point.
I don’t have a niche. I’m not an atheist so I can’t sit with them and I’m not an evangelical so they wouldn’t want to play with me, except as the token heathen and I imagine that would get old fairly quickly. I’m not a mummy blogger or a fashion blogger or a crazy hippy or…well, you get the idea.
I’m awful at using the right categories to label my posts and don’t understand how ‘tags’ work. How is there a difference between them? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
I don’t have a landing page.
I don’t know what a landing page is.
Maybe they’re only for websites that are for selling things? No idea. Don’t need to know.
I take crappy photos. If there has even been a good one here it’s been a matter of good luck rather than good planning.
I don’t know what SEO is. Well, I know what it stands for but that’s it. I know in theory I could google it and everything but honestly, just no.
I don’t know my ‘ideal reader’. The experts say that you are supposed to know your ideal reader and imagine that you’re writing for them. What?
My blog isn’t helpful. Great blogs are helpful. This one isn’t. I’m pretty sure that there has never been anything helpful posted on this blog. Unless its in a cautionary tale type of way. Or by accident.
I don’t use snappy titles like ‘Five Ways To Get Closer To God’*. Using numbers in blog titles is apparently fantastic and people click on them like crazy. Actually that’s an awesome title for a post. I’m going to use it. Please don’t steal it.
Right, that was fun. I needed a bit of a boost tonight and that’s done the trick!